Faithfulness and Blessings

Many of you know my story, and many of you don't, but on this Mother's Day I thought that I would share how incredibly blessed I am.

On this day, I am reminded of the blessing that comes with faithfulness. Twenty-three years ago, I was a young woman in the midst of a crisis pregnancy. Crisis meaning, unplanned, not that there was a health crisis involved with my pregnancy. I was unmarried and making an adoption plan for my child. I had the support of very few people. It was a very tough time in my life. I knew I was doing the right thing for my child and myself, but feeling alone is often part of doing the right thing.

During the course of my pregnancy, I had started spotting and thought I might be losing my child. This would not have been my first miscarriage, in my first marriage I had miscarried twice. I had also had an abortion at nineteen and started to believe that I was never going to be able to birth a child. I prayed that God would allow me to do the one thing I knew I was created to do - be a mother. I promised that I would do whatever He asked of me. And that was to give my child up for adoption. I know that sounds weird - I prayed to be a mother and then God asked me to give my child up. Counterintuitive right! However, I would argue that part of being a mother comes with a willingness to sacrifice and do what is best for the child you are given. Well for me, that sacrifice was placing my son up for adoption. However, I was not losing a child - I was gaining God's blessing. You see - so much has come from my faithfulness. I received blessings that are too great to measure from the God that teaches us about faithfulness. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God knows the plans He has for us - that they are to prosper us and to give us a hope and a future. I claim that promise and I can testify to its accuracy.

When I decided to make an adoption plan, God brought people into my life to guide me along the way. The first was Patrick Kelley - the singles pastor at Second Baptist Church. I went to visit with him about my situation and he gave me the testimony of Cynthia Cherry on a cassette tape. Cynthia was a woman in our church that had spoken about her work at Crisis Pregnancy Center - a place where she volunteered to help inform women about their options when they find themselves in a crisis pregnancy. I then met with Cynthia and we talked about my decision and what the adoption process might look like. She promised that she would send me some sample biographies from adoptive parents and the name of adoption agencies that I might want to contact. Well, that's where the story gets really good - and where you can see God's hand all over this process. Cynthia sent me a bio from a couple that lived next door to her. This couple had no idea that Cynthia volunteered at the center - but they knew she had a son that was in the target age group of people who might find themselves in the midst of a crisis pregnancy. Well, that happens to be the bio that Cynthia sent to me in early February 1992. I remember the day I received the bio in the mail. I read it, cried, prayed, and then went down to my best friends apartment to tell her that I knew that I had just read the bio of the couple that would raise my son. My friend did not truly believe me that I knew - but I did - God's peace had poured over me as I read their bio. I called the couple and scheduled our first meeting.

The first time I met my child's mother happened to be on my mother's birthday. March 26, 1992 was the day I met the mother of my son. I know she was nervous and scared - can you even imagine being on the side where you are hoping that someone likes you enough and trusts that you will be a great mom for their child? It's got to be hard. Anyway, after our two, maybe three, hour lunch - we parted ways and planned a dinner so that I could meet her husband. He happened to be out of town and it would be several weeks until we could meet. A few weeks later, I met my child's father - again he was exactly what I had imagined. God is so good. In early May, 1992 we had our match meet with the adoption agency, Methodist Mission Home, that they were affiliated with and our journey as a family began.

The months leading up to our son's birth were filled with doctor visits, paperwork and waiting. It was truly a time filled with faith for all of us. You see we were both faced with pressure from our families. Mine did not understand how someone could even consider adoption. You see we take care of our own and they had all kinds of ways that we could make that happen without giving up a child. They faced questions about open adoption. Shouldn't they be scared about the birth mother and father. How could they even consider letting them into their world. But we knew what God had in store for us - and we knew we were choosing His path for our situation.

On September 7, 1992 I went into labor. It happened to be Labor Day - it was late in the evening and my friend took me to the hospital. I labored through the night. His parents sat in the waiting room waiting to welcome their son through the night. God was faithful even in the labor room. After a long labor, the doctor decided that we were going to have to do an emergency c-section. Definitely not the original plan - but you know God knew that if I had delivered naturally I might not have been able to be faithful to His plan. Isn't God good? On September 8, 1992, God granted me one of the greatest privileges of my life - He allowed me to become a mother. David Christian was born. A name that we had decided on together. You see many times birth mother's name their child one name and adoptive parents name them something else. We named David together with a name that meant something different to each of us - but one that all of us would know our son by. Again I say isn't God good!

On September 12, 1992 I signed the relinquishment papers so that Cheri and Stan could legally become my David's parents. And for many birth mothers that is where the journey ends. They go home with empty arms to grieve the loss of a child. They may get annual updates about their child, but not much more. I am so thankful that God had a very different plan for us. You see Cheri and Stan not only opened their hearts to a child that is not biologically theirs, but they opened their hearts to me and my family. Each of my parents have had the chance to be a part of David's life. The people who thought I was making the wrong decision - have come to understand that it was the right choice for both David and me. They also accepted David's birth father to become part of their family. I am sure that Todd would share the same sentiment about God's faithfulness. All of our families just got a little larger. I can honestly say that I cannot imagine my family without Cheri, Stan and David.

If that were where God had stopped, that would be plenty - but guess what His love for us is so much greater. God brought amazing man into my life to be my husband and the father of our children - one that knew I came with baggage and accepted it - he has welcomed David and his family to be a part of our family. You see - I have had the privilege to be the wife of Jeff and to parent two magnificent children, Ryan and Victoria. He continues to bless me and I continue to be in awe of His faithfulness.

Yesterday, we celebrated David's graduation from Texas Christian University. All of us were there. It just reminded me of how faithful my God is and how His love for me is amazing. This Mother's Day, I am blessed - I got to spend the weekend with all of my children.

Here is what I know:

1. God brings people into your life with a very specific purpose.
2. His faithfulness is far greater than mine.
3. His blessings are poured out in abundance.

Today I am thankful for the privilege of being a mother. If you ever have any questions about adoption, ask me.

Entry Number 2 - The Journey Continued

Okay, so where did I leave off yesterday. Oh yeah, the decision to move forward with the abortion. Let me just tell you that if anyone says that they can have an abortion and not be changed forever they are lying to you and in the midst of the greatest delusion possible. YOU ARE CHANGED FOREVER AFTER AN ABORTION!!! I do not think that there has been a bigger defining moment in my life than August 27, 1988. It was the day that I ended God's plan for the child in my womb. Anyway, let me just tell you the story and you can decide. 

Okay - so my mom (whom I love dearly) drove me to the clinic to have my abortion. She walked me in and paid. I met with the counselor and they asked the question if this is what I wanted to do - they did not tell me any of the details about what would be happening - but they did ask if I was certain. I wanted to scream "no I'm not certain" - but I just said yes. You see, I thought that since I had those x-rays that I was running a higher risk for a child with disabilities. Call it selfish - or call it knowing what it was like to live with a disabled person - I was not willing to take that chance. My faith was sooooo small! I did not believe that God could make the situation okay. Anyway, that is my weakness. 

When they took me back to perform the abortion, I was extremely tense. I can tell you that doctor had my knees clamped to his temples while he was performing the abortion. It was not the nicest of settings by anyones imagination - it was clinical and unfriendly - and filled with a coldness that I have never experienced since. Not only did he have my knees attached to his temples, I was silently sobbing. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my body - and if you know anything about anatomy, they were nowhere near my heart. 

When I was taken to the recovery room to be observed to make sure there would be no complications, I was amazed that I was the only one crying in the room. I was the only who seemed to know the gravity of the situation. Maybe, I was the only who truly realized that I had taken God's plan and punted. I knew, I knew, I knew and I took upon myself to be my god that day. I know that I am forgiven, I know that God has done amazing things in my life and I know that He will continue to hold me in the palm of His hand. There is nothing I can do to separate me from the love of God - even the abortion that I chose to have on August 27, 1988. But you know what - God has been so good to me!

After recovery, my mother drove me to my dad's house to spend the afternoon. She had some things that she had to do and my dad and stepmother were home so they could make sure that I did not have any complications. 

On a side note, most women have maybe one or two people that they confide in about their abortion experience. Me, my whole family knew, it was not a secret and I still tell people to this day about my abortion. The reason for this, is because I believe that God can use my abortion to bless someone else. It may even convince someone to not make the same choice. 

I should tell you that my little sister was born May 8, 1988 - and was at my father's house that day. She was a little over 3 months old. That will become important in just a second. Anyway, my mom dropped me at my dad's house and went to do some work she needed to get done. I was sitting there, relaxing, trying to recover when it was time for my sister to eat, my dad placed her in my arms and told me "to get over it." Please do not judge my dad, he was doing what he thought was best. It was just that I realized that it was not a situation where I was going to be getting a lot of sympathy. You see even though abortion is legal, and widely accepted as such - it is something no one talks about. Women in this world are silently dealing with each and every day. If one in three women have had an abortion, then there are a lot of our friends, sisters, mothers, co-workers and acquaintances that are dealing with the repercussions of choosing to have an abortion. Quite a shocking number isn't it. 

Life did go back to normal. I went back to school - most people I knew were none the wiser about the choice I had made. DJ and I got back together (okay another really big mistake on my part) and eventually got married. DJ finally came to the realization that I was telling the truth about the abortion and he felt guilty for not supporting me. Probably part of why I got back together with him. 

I can tell you that each year on August 27, I was reminded about that day in 1988. And, my birthday was never too much fun after that. I still do not really enjoy celebrating my birthday - but it is not as bad as it once was. I will also tell you that traditionally August is one of the worst months of each year for me. 

On September 30, 1989 DJ and I were married in a small ceremony in a friend's backyard. The marriage was uneventful and did not last long. I dropped out of school and we moved to Michigan - where I knew absolutely no one. (That is a whole other story). We were having a good first year of marriage until DJ got wrapped up in some pretty ugly drugs. (I was not a part of the drug scene, but he was and had a lot of demons that he was dealing with). Let me just tell you that missionary dating does not work - it tends to lead to missionary marrying and that is tough. The Bible is right on when it says that you should not be unequally yoked. If you are thinking about dating someone that is not a believer and you are - you do not need to date them. But I digress. Anyway, DJ tried a really scary drug that made him paranoid and violent (I knew nothing about it) - well that night he forced himself on me - even though I was his wife - and threatened to kill me. I was scared! The next morning he proceed to make it near impossible for me to leave the apartment much less him. Well, I am pretty resourceful so I called my dad, asked for help, called a couple of friends and asked for a ride to Detroit (from Grand Rapids) and made it to the bank to get just enough money to pay for their gas. I was on my way home that next day! Way to go dad! You see he really isn't a bad guy!

Anyway, I made it home on I think August 12, 1990 and started the proceedings for our annulment. We were not married quite a year. Our annulment was final on Sept. 18, 1990 - and I found out I was pregnant on Sept. 20, 1990. Again, the shock of my life! I had not been with my husband or anyone else for that matter since the night he raped me - and so this pregnancy was a result of violence. I was scared, but I knew that I was going to be having this baby. So I called DJ, for the first time in weeks and we talked about everything that had happened. He promised that he had changed (which he had for the most part) and asked if I would come back to Michigan so we could try to make it work. I agreed and scheduled flights for early October. The day before I was scheduled to go back, I began to spot a little and cramp some - so I called my doctor and scheduled an emergency appointment. The doctor did the routine check and determined that I was miscarrying and that it was not a viable pregnancy. Can you say broken? I did not know what to do. I had a choice to make - go back to Michigan or stay at home and make a clean break from the man I loved and the life I had expected to live. I chose to go back to Michigan. I want back and had my DNC in Grand Rapids. DJ and I healed our relationship, we did not get remarried, but talked about it and started planning moving back to Texas. We also talked about starting a family. We miscarried one more time before moving home, and then eventually separated for good. By the time I had my second miscarriage, I started to think that I was never going to be able to have a baby. I was certain that I had done something to my body, and my spirit, during the abortion to prevent me being able to have a child of my own. 

I will tell you that the deepest desire of my heart was to be a mother so those miscarriages were almost as devastating as my abortion. I will tell you that the Lord is faithful and I have three beautiful children. But my faith was tested through my journey to become a mother. 

My next entry will open your eyes to God's faithfulness and the testing of my faith.

Entry Number One - the beginning of the Journey

This is the beginning of my blog journey! I am going to start with my journey into learning to live by faith. I am not saying that I am good at it - but I am learning to live by faith each and everyday. 

Well the journey into faith started on August 25, 1988 - it was my 19th birthday - it was not the day I became a believer - but it was the day that I began the journey to learning to live by faith. I would like to say that I learned that day that faith was the way to live, but it was not. It was actually the day that I started to see that living by my plan was not the way to live. 

So, as I said it was my 19th birthday, and I got the shock of my life. I found out I was pregnant. Now, my advice to you is to never take a pregnancy test on your birthday - let me repeat that never take a pregnancy test on your birthday. Whether you want to be pregnant or not. You are not guaranteed that it will turn out the way that you want - and you will never be able to forget the results (because it is your birthday). Well, anyway I made the mistake to take a pregnancy test on my birthday. I was certain that I was not pregnant, but I had missed my period and I just wanted to make sure. Well, I made sure all right. The stick turned blue the second I peed on it. There was no mistaking it I was pregnant. Okay, it would not have been such a shock if I had been with anyone in the last month - but I had not. My boyfriend and I had broken up at the beginning of June and I had not been with anyone else. You would have thought that I would have missed my period in July - but no such luck. So I was pretty far along. I did not know that then, of course. Well, it gets better. I went to the doctor, got confirmation and made a couple of phone calls. I called my mom - now that was something she was not expecting to hear on my 19th birthday. I then called DJ, my ex-boyfriend. He did not believe that I was pregnant - he thought it was a ploy to get back together. Well there was no ploy - and I was feeling like I was all alone. 

Now, I was a believer at the time. I knew that Jesus was my savior and that I was forgiven - but I had been living far away for a little while. I still prayed regularly and went to church, but I did not rely on Him to help me through the tough times, or the easy ones for that matter. And this was going to be a tough time. I started to make a plan. I also listened to my mother for counsel. Well, the counsel was to have an abortion. Have you ever wondered if you were capable of doing something that you never thought you would be capable of doing? Well, I found out in those moments that I was capable of almost anything. Anyway, on August 27, 1988 the decision was made. My mother drove me to the clinic and we signed up for an abortion. I went in thinking that I was only going to do it if I was more than ten weeks pregnant. The reason for that is because I had been in a car accident at the beginning of July. I had a series of x-rays without any protection because there was no way (in my mind) that I could be pregnant. 

Okay, let's back up for a second. I was concerned because I have an aunt with cerebral palsy and one of the things that I remember being told was that my grandmother had a series of x-rays early in her pregnancy that they consider part of the contributing factors to her disease. (No justification - but what I had in my mind anyway). 

Anyway, when they did the ultrasound to see how far along I was - I was 11 1/2 weeks pregnant. Almost too far along to do the one day procedure. It was a grueling decision - but one that I felt I had to make - so I went forward with the abortion. Something I was certain I was never capable of doing. 

On a side note, let me tell you about what I do know. Satan has a funny way of taking your biggest fears and turning them into justification for hard decisions. I never thought I was capable of having an abortion - and I am sure that is part of the reason that DJ did not believe me about the pregnancy. He was certain that I was not capable of having an abortion and when he heard that I had chosen that route, he ultimately believed it was not possible and I had been trying a get back together ploy. 

I will continue the rest of the story tomorrow or the next day! The story continues - and God has a way of taking things that we do that we think are unforgivable and  turn them into blessings we could never imagine.