Okay - so my mom (whom I love dearly) drove me to the clinic to have my abortion. She walked me in and paid. I met with the counselor and they asked the question if this is what I wanted to do - they did not tell me any of the details about what would be happening - but they did ask if I was certain. I wanted to scream "no I'm not certain" - but I just said yes. You see, I thought that since I had those x-rays that I was running a higher risk for a child with disabilities. Call it selfish - or call it knowing what it was like to live with a disabled person - I was not willing to take that chance. My faith was sooooo small! I did not believe that God could make the situation okay. Anyway, that is my weakness.
When they took me back to perform the abortion, I was extremely tense. I can tell you that doctor had my knees clamped to his temples while he was performing the abortion. It was not the nicest of settings by anyones imagination - it was clinical and unfriendly - and filled with a coldness that I have never experienced since. Not only did he have my knees attached to his temples, I was silently sobbing. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my body - and if you know anything about anatomy, they were nowhere near my heart.
When I was taken to the recovery room to be observed to make sure there would be no complications, I was amazed that I was the only one crying in the room. I was the only who seemed to know the gravity of the situation. Maybe, I was the only who truly realized that I had taken God's plan and punted. I knew, I knew, I knew and I took upon myself to be my god that day. I know that I am forgiven, I know that God has done amazing things in my life and I know that He will continue to hold me in the palm of His hand. There is nothing I can do to separate me from the love of God - even the abortion that I chose to have on August 27, 1988. But you know what - God has been so good to me!
After recovery, my mother drove me to my dad's house to spend the afternoon. She had some things that she had to do and my dad and stepmother were home so they could make sure that I did not have any complications.
On a side note, most women have maybe one or two people that they confide in about their abortion experience. Me, my whole family knew, it was not a secret and I still tell people to this day about my abortion. The reason for this, is because I believe that God can use my abortion to bless someone else. It may even convince someone to not make the same choice.
I should tell you that my little sister was born May 8, 1988 - and was at my father's house that day. She was a little over 3 months old. That will become important in just a second. Anyway, my mom dropped me at my dad's house and went to do some work she needed to get done. I was sitting there, relaxing, trying to recover when it was time for my sister to eat, my dad placed her in my arms and told me "to get over it." Please do not judge my dad, he was doing what he thought was best. It was just that I realized that it was not a situation where I was going to be getting a lot of sympathy. You see even though abortion is legal, and widely accepted as such - it is something no one talks about. Women in this world are silently dealing with each and every day. If one in three women have had an abortion, then there are a lot of our friends, sisters, mothers, co-workers and acquaintances that are dealing with the repercussions of choosing to have an abortion. Quite a shocking number isn't it.
Life did go back to normal. I went back to school - most people I knew were none the wiser about the choice I had made. DJ and I got back together (okay another really big mistake on my part) and eventually got married. DJ finally came to the realization that I was telling the truth about the abortion and he felt guilty for not supporting me. Probably part of why I got back together with him.
I can tell you that each year on August 27, I was reminded about that day in 1988. And, my birthday was never too much fun after that. I still do not really enjoy celebrating my birthday - but it is not as bad as it once was. I will also tell you that traditionally August is one of the worst months of each year for me.
On September 30, 1989 DJ and I were married in a small ceremony in a friend's backyard. The marriage was uneventful and did not last long. I dropped out of school and we moved to Michigan - where I knew absolutely no one. (That is a whole other story). We were having a good first year of marriage until DJ got wrapped up in some pretty ugly drugs. (I was not a part of the drug scene, but he was and had a lot of demons that he was dealing with). Let me just tell you that missionary dating does not work - it tends to lead to missionary marrying and that is tough. The Bible is right on when it says that you should not be unequally yoked. If you are thinking about dating someone that is not a believer and you are - you do not need to date them. But I digress. Anyway, DJ tried a really scary drug that made him paranoid and violent (I knew nothing about it) - well that night he forced himself on me - even though I was his wife - and threatened to kill me. I was scared! The next morning he proceed to make it near impossible for me to leave the apartment much less him. Well, I am pretty resourceful so I called my dad, asked for help, called a couple of friends and asked for a ride to Detroit (from Grand Rapids) and made it to the bank to get just enough money to pay for their gas. I was on my way home that next day! Way to go dad! You see he really isn't a bad guy!
Anyway, I made it home on I think August 12, 1990 and started the proceedings for our annulment. We were not married quite a year. Our annulment was final on Sept. 18, 1990 - and I found out I was pregnant on Sept. 20, 1990. Again, the shock of my life! I had not been with my husband or anyone else for that matter since the night he raped me - and so this pregnancy was a result of violence. I was scared, but I knew that I was going to be having this baby. So I called DJ, for the first time in weeks and we talked about everything that had happened. He promised that he had changed (which he had for the most part) and asked if I would come back to Michigan so we could try to make it work. I agreed and scheduled flights for early October. The day before I was scheduled to go back, I began to spot a little and cramp some - so I called my doctor and scheduled an emergency appointment. The doctor did the routine check and determined that I was miscarrying and that it was not a viable pregnancy. Can you say broken? I did not know what to do. I had a choice to make - go back to Michigan or stay at home and make a clean break from the man I loved and the life I had expected to live. I chose to go back to Michigan. I want back and had my DNC in Grand Rapids. DJ and I healed our relationship, we did not get remarried, but talked about it and started planning moving back to Texas. We also talked about starting a family. We miscarried one more time before moving home, and then eventually separated for good. By the time I had my second miscarriage, I started to think that I was never going to be able to have a baby. I was certain that I had done something to my body, and my spirit, during the abortion to prevent me being able to have a child of my own.
I will tell you that the deepest desire of my heart was to be a mother so those miscarriages were almost as devastating as my abortion. I will tell you that the Lord is faithful and I have three beautiful children. But my faith was tested through my journey to become a mother.
My next entry will open your eyes to God's faithfulness and the testing of my faith.
